To the person who told me that my voice sounded off in a recording of our choir when I was 8. I still think about it and I hate singing in front of people which is a shame because I love singing and I shouldn’t care about whether it sounds good or not because it should be fun simply because I love it and because I love music.
To the person who abandoned me when we went to secondary school when we were 10. We were best friends all throughout elementary school like we spent A LOT of time together and suddenly from one day to another I wasn’t cool enough to talk to and hang out with. It was the first time I had to learn friendships can be temporary and it broke my heart.
To the person who shared what I told him in confidence to the entire class when I was 10. Thank you for making me not trust people with my stuff. You are probably not the only reason I struggle with it, but you had a part in it. So thank you.
To the person who told me that if she was me she would get rid of the black heads on my nose when I was 13. I have been extremely self conscious about any kind of slight skin oddity on my face ever since. I try to get rid off every tiny thing which usually ends up in red spots or scratches on my face in the process making it worse than it was before.
To the person who told me that you could see my bra strap when I was about 13. I, to this day, frantically check if you can see my bra strap or see my bra to my shirt which tbh shouldn’t be a big deal, because it is a fucking bra strap and nothing else and I had big boobs even then so what else was I supposed to wear. No fucking secret yet it is still in the back of my mind.
To the person who told me that I was showing quite a lot of cleavage when I was about 15. It wasn’t in a sexual way but yet I still feel uncomfortable showing too much cleavage because people could notice. But have you ever tried to wear any t-shirt with a cut out having big boobs and not show boobs, it is practically impossible.
To the person that told me I should come to more sports trainings instead of focussing on university to show my loyalty to the team and made me uncomfortable coming to training.
To the person who told me my hair was funny and stupid in a way that made me feel uncomfortable when I was 16. Thank you for underlining one of my insecurities with a sly comment you thought I couldn’t hear which made it even worse. While I am now used to my hair I still get self- conscious when people sit behind me and I have my hair open because it takes me back to that situation.
To every person that told me that I was loud or too outspoken and opinionated at any point during my time in high school. I was curious about learning but you made me uncomfortable speaking up and discussing my ideas in class and took and made me overthink being too loud, too present and too opinionated in my seminars at university.
To every person that said comments behind my back about my looks, my personality or any other aspect of me and I overheard it or someone told me about it, your comments or actions are staying with me and have turned into voices in my head that make me doubt myself or what I am doing. They have created thought patterns and habits that are incredibly hard to break. A lot of times I don’t think you didn’t mean any harm but because a lot of these comments were said to me when I was in years where I was trying to figure out who I wanted to be they have had more power over me than you could have ever imagined.
Tonight I caught myself in one of these patterns and I wanted to let everyone know: Be kind to each other, be cautious what you say to or about people because you can never know what impact they will have on them. Be kind and considerate with your words and actions because they matter and you can never take them back.
Lots of Love, Katie