In my friendship groups I’ve always been the weird and silent one, or the one who isn’t as comfortable as the rest. But lately I recognized this even more.
Don’t get me wrong I like my friends and I like to hang out with them, but sometimes to go out and meet them is very difficult for me. Let me explain why.
Since I was a little kid I was extremely shy and I absolutely hate to talk to strangers or people I barely know and sometimes even within my friendship group. Like for example yesterday I was out with some of my friends visiting a Street Food Festival. Sound awesome right? I mean what could you better do on a sunny Sunday than spent some time with your friends outside with awesome food?! And you’re right, there is barely anything that is better. Wouldn’t there be this weird feeling in my stomach and my head saying me how uncomfortable I am. We sat down on the grass, eating and talking, but for some reasons I can’t really join the conversations. I sit there and listen. I always do. Although a lot of times I would like to tell my little stories as well or say something. Instead I sit there and have this conversation in my head but never speak it out loud. I’m too afraid what they might say to it, or that it doesn’t fit the conversation or that people will make fun of what I’m saying. I’m too insecure about what people might say to what I said or react to it, that I stay silent instead.
A lot of times my friends even point that out. I remember one occasion extremely vividly. It was last year at a friends birthday party. He invited all from our friendship group around for just a chilled evening. We were about 12 or 14 people or so. When I arrived I made sure to sit right in the corner of the bed so I’m not in the spotlight or in the way. Everybody had a nice conversation about all kind of things. Once again I sat there, listening to what everyone was saying. When a friend of mine said: “All Jenny does is sit there in silent and doesn’t contribute anything. She only sometimes give a random fact and that’s it.” Knowing him, he did mean it with any bad intention but ever since it stuck with me. He is right. All I do is sit there say nothing the whole time because I’m too afraid to say anything or say anything wrong. But why? They’re my friends I should be comfortable joining the conversation, shouldn’t I? Even when someone asks me a question or says something to be/about me I immediately turn super red and just want it to stop and that people talk about something different.
I don’t know if this has to do with that I have a social anxiety or any other sort of mental illness/blockade, I only can say that recently I found it even harder than ever. And since my way of trying to solve a problem is to write about it, I thought it would be a good idea to write about it on here. Because ever since I met the other 3 girls I realized that I can be totally myself around them. They don’t judge me for anything I do, they only ever encouraged me in everything I do or want to do. So when we created this Blog I knew that this blog is my safe space. It’s a place where I can turn to when I don’t know where my head is any more and just write about it. There might be people out there who read this right now and realize ‘Hey I’m not the only one who feels like that’ or says ‘Hey there are other people out there who struggle with who they are and social interactions’. If there is even only one person out there who thinks like that I’m more than happy.
I think about topics like this it isn’t really spoken about and I’m really not okay with this. Growing up is a fucking hard thing and every single person struggles with all kind of different problems. Why can’t we talk about them and help each other grow?!
I really don’t know what I can do to be better in social interactions, all I know is even when I push myself to say something it doesn’t help. I still fell uncomfortable and shit in these situations and for some reasons I think that’s something that will never go away. I guess I have to learn just to live with it. Or maybe I don’t. If you know any tips please let me know in the comment section below or on our other social media:
Anyway, I think I’m going to watch some Netflix now because that’s how I can just forget about stuff like this.
I hope you have/had a wonderful day!!!
Lot of love,